For about weeks, my schedule has been so hectic… From Elections, traveling to Manila for work,attending Nick Vujicic’s event, Sarbay Fest, and the other activities that come in between. I really sometimes don’t know how I do it… When I tell other people, it seems like they feel stressed for me.
Rest is so important for a nursing mom. When this is violated, certain personality changes happens. I must admit I do feel embarrassed to share this story. Well, this will be an example of what not to follow…
It was the last few days of elections, we had family and friends over. They were so kind to not bother me so much, but I cant help myself, because I want to entertain. During the day, I would nurse and work (so I dont get to nap). At night, when Joshua is asleep, I try to make myself available for my husband too. I make time for us to catch up because he would come home late from campaign. Then, my son’s schedule. I have to make myself available for him because he is still asking for milk around 3 am and wakes up at 5 am everyday.
The evening before election, my son woke up wide awake at around 1:30 AM. It was my time to catch sleep because I was still up around that time. Everytime I would put him to sleep, he would cry. When I lift him up, he would smile and hint he would want to play. Usually this did not bother me. But that evening, I was tired. I wanted my sleep. My son wanted to play. I kept telling Joshua, “Josh, mommy is tired, please go back to sleep.” The response I get is his playful smile. He would try to talk too by cooing and he would smile. But mommy, was not happy. I felt physically too tired to play. So I tried to rock him back to sleep. My son would complain and cry because he was unhappy to go back to sleep. Grrrr….!!!!
Suddenly, I felt upset with the situation. So I sat my little boy by his toys and I told him, “Since you don’t want to sleep, you and I are going to stay up till 5 AM. Do you understand me?” I suddenly lost it. My mind just snapped and I turned into the “mother-no-child-would-wish”. I was upset that I took out my anger on the toys and with all of what is left of my strength I took the Dinosaur toy and played all the music and shook the toy up and down, side-to-side hoping this would make Joshua dizzy. At first he enjoyed it. I kept on saying, “we are not sleeping. We are not going to sleep”!” After playing for about 20 minutes, I saw Joshua wiping his eyes. I knew he started to feel sleepy. Instead of letting him sleep, my anger took over me. I brought him to the bathroom and let him play with his squeaky fish toys. I still kept chanting, “you are not sleeping until tomorrow!” For another 20 minutes Joshua obliged to play. After a while, he started to wipe his eyes and yawn. All the more, I chanted, ” you are not sleeping, do you understand?”… Like a crazy woman I brought him to his lighted drums and insisted he plays with it. The poor little boy again tried to play but this time he was moaning and started to cry because he was tired. But still I forced him to play.
I later started to feel guilty and caught myself. What on earth am I doing? Im making my son suffer because Im too tired to care for him and so I’ll make both of us miserable. Ohhh myyy…
I saw Joshua was really tired from my Momzilla episode, he actually fell asleep after a minute of nursing. He was that tired! As I was putting Joshua down in his crib, I started to pray. I asked forgiveness from God for my unbecoming behavior. I laid my hands on my son and asked God to protect my son from any consequence of my temper.
Im just so thankful God is full of mercy and grace, and they are new every morning! My son wakes up and looks at me with his big, loving eyes without a grudge.
I never want to see Momzilla attack ever again. I have learned my lesson! I need to discipline myself to rest. This is a season in my life to slow down. I can catch up with the world later.
I shared this story with my other mommy friends and they cracked up laughing at how I lost it. Truly, its funny now… but what a sobering event for me. I pray God to help me be less childish and be a good mommy that Joshua can love and respect…